2013-06-13 / Lifestyles

The Lawn Ranger

Lois A. Corcoran

“Before we turn it on, we’d better figure out how to shut it off,” he said. So my son and I examined our lawn mower for the better part of an afternoon before abandoning the idea.

When we tied the knot, my husband assumed the role of Lawn Ranger. He insists that grass cutting is his job, and I’ve never felt the urge to debate the issue.

So I left the task to him until last week, when I planned to surprise him.

Turns out the mower’s shut-off doohickey broke off years ago, so Dan replaced it with the manual choke control from a car. This resulted in a jerryrigged lawn mower only he can operate.

Note to self: Find out who “jerry” is and why he always gets blamed for things.

At any rate, until we buy a new mower, my honey is stuck grooming the grass himself. This means wearing himself out in early summer, when turf grows at a rate of six inches per hour. No surprise that he prefers late season when it dries up and turns a pleasant shade of brown.

Some people throw themselves into yard maintenance while others see it as a necessary evil. Often the latter invests in a riding mower, despite the fact that there’s little room to turn around.

How they approach obstacles depends on their mood at the time. Some days find Dan meticulous in his efforts, but he’s also pled guilty to mowing down my tulips.

When trash blows in the yard, groundskeepers face the decision of whether or not to pick it up. Often, they discover the alternate use for lawn mowers – that of a shredder.

To save energy, an acquaintance advises planting a large object in the yard and keeping it there all summer.

Sure, it kills grass but at least you don’t have to mow.

The same guy reports that he was so focused on the job one day, he failed to see a doggy deposit. There are worse things that can happen. My hubby cut off the tips of two fingers in a mower accident, and plenty of people have lost more than that.

Consequently, today’s mowers are loaded with safety features, causing them to weigh a ton. Clearly, the time has come for a remote controlled lawn mower.

As long as they tell me which buttons to push.

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