2013-06-06 / Lifestyles

Getting the bugs out

Lois A. Corcoran

Remember that Twilight Zone episode? Or was it “Night Gallery”? Anyhow, this guy gave a lady an expensive brooch shaped like a bug. When she jilted him, the gold pin grew into a mansized insect that snuffed out her life.

I can sort of relate to that. My bug memories tend to expand, too, at least in my mind. When I told mom about a spider I once battled, she asked if it took steroids.

An acquaintance tells of the time a water bug crawled into her ceiling light and cast a shadow on her wall that belonged in a horror show. Turned out it was normal size, “Not a mutant monster one.”

A big cricket made his way into my parents’ house one summer. His chirping sounded cute but he obviously needed to relocate.

When dad hesitated, mom encouraged him with, “Just pick it up! Crickets don’t bite.” So much for that theory.

The moral of the story is, don’t trust any bugs with more than one appendage. So I welcomed the centipede I spied the other day about as much as facial hair.

When it raced across my bathroom floor, I didn’t stop to count its legs.

I grabbed a large wad of bath tissue, as this was no time to scrimp. One has less chance of getting bit that way, but it’s harder to tell if you’ve captured the culprit.

Once I had secured Mr. Bug, I made him “go for a swim” in the commode nearby.

I often worry that creepy crawlies I flush down will climb back up and nip me during my next “visit”. Luckily, that hasn’t occurred to date.

I prefer the more humane method of coaxing bugs onto a napkin and releasing them out the window. But sometimes they sprint over to my fingers before I can evict them, so it’s better to use the cardboard-under-the-jar technique.

Another method is the screamso your- husband- takes- over method. This is not calculated, as I emit shrieks without even trying. Of course, sometimes Dan’s not around, so I’m left to my own devices.

Forget the fly swatter. Some bugs are so indestructible, I’d need an assault rifle.

So I use my vacuum with the long attachment. For all I know, its victims still live in the bag feeding on the crumbs I suck up. Growing bigger and bigger like that bug-shaped brooch

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