2013-01-17 / Lifestyles

For richer, for snorer

Lois A. Corcoran

Why do marriage vows never mention snoring?  Seems to me that ranks right up there with "for richer, for poorer."

I lucked out with a thoughtful, handsome husband who's a great provider, but he seriously needs a muffler at night.  Unless I'm heavily sedated, I can count on the din to rouse me from my sleep and prevent any further Zs.

Snoring is a universal problem, but the sound varies from one person to the next, depending on weight and sinus activity.  This makes for some amusing descriptions.

Online writer Dana Ullman confessed that a camping buddy told him he sounded like an alligator "stalking and devouring prey."

A gal said her husband's snoring sounds like a sail flapping in the breeze.  Another claimed it was more like an old tractor starting on a cold morning.  I conjured up quite a visual over the "tuba full of socks" comparison.  But I deemed "two weasels fighting in a 50-gallon drum" the official winner.

Strangely enough, most perpetrators are blissfully unaware of their own noise.  When I tell my Better Half about it the next day, he replies, "I was snoring?"

Perhaps I should record his nasal symphony and play it back as proof.  Over time I could even compile a "greatest hits" album.

But snoring is not always a laughing matter, as anyone deprived of sleep will attest.  To alleviate it, some people use a pillow.  No, not for suffocation purposes.  One wife hits her husband "right in the chops" with hers.  Another yanks on her significant other's pillow till he wakes up.

Others employ a poke in the ribs or a kick in the shins.  And if either method awakens their mate, they pretend they did it in their sleep.

Some say removal of tonsils and adenoids can relieve the problem, although this procedure can get quite messy in bed.

Still others put the offender on a diet, because the higher his or her weight, the louder the snoring is likely to be.

One guy solved his snoring problem by using a band that holds his jaw in place.  And by "band," I do not mean the Rolling Stones.

If all else fails, couples can try separate rooms or possibly even separate zip codes.

In the meantime, I'd like to see them change those vows to "for richer, for snorer...till deaf do us part."

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